I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
