I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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