Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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