Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
