Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Randomize
