I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize