I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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