I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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