he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
