Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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