you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
