just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
