Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
