Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize