he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize