time to smoke my breakfast
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
