there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
