Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
