I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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