If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
