so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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