I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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