The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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