My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
