Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
