Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
this is an emotional support booty call
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
