Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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