I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
