I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
