Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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