I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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