Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
