He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I am naked and annoyed.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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