i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize