Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
