see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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