I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My bed smells like the plague
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
