i need an iv and a liver transplant
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
