I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
