Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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