apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
