hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
