i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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