Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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