four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
