so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
