The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
