I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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