there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
