Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
