Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
