I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
