i already hear my dad disowning me
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
