if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This house was built for laser tag.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
