Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize