You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
