Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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