eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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