Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
